I am a woman. I am a mama. I am an entrepreneur. I am a cancer caregiver. I am exhausted…. but I’m still awesome. 😉

I take pride in my reputation as a person who can face absolutely everything in life with a positive attitude. I worked really hard to get to this point… to reach what I call “awesomeness”. Some of the adversity that I have had to face lately has sent me to the edge of insanity and back like a yo yo. However, I have managed to face every single day, as crappy and stressful as it might be, with new strength and an unflappable positive attitude.

two thingsAt times, it would have been MUCH easier to go back to my old negative, angry and self-pitiful ways, but I haven’t and as long as I have the mental capacity to CHOOSE, I won’t go back there. But it’s hard. It’s really, really hard. And no matter how hard I have tried to prevent it, it’s taken a toll on me.

Even though I have been able to smile and laugh my way though every single day and keep everyone focused on a positive outlook, my body is screaming “I’M STRESSED!!” I’ve been getting headaches and my blood pressure is high, even though I take BP medicine… so my doctor had to up the dose. I am trying really hard not to make loverman’s leukemia about me in any way. But the truth is, it does have an effect on me. I worry about him every single day.

He has been taking his Gleevec (Imatinib) cancer chemotherapy treatment for about 7 weeks now. Prior to his Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia diagnosis on Nov. 17, 2013, he lost 40lbs. Then he lost a bit more during his hospital stay. The first few weeks he gained about 30lbs. His haematologist was ok with that because he thought he was retaining SOME fluid, but suspected that he also gained some weight back. His face and neck were a little bit puffy, but again, the doc wasn’t overly concerned. Up until two days ago, his weight stayed in the range of 266 and 270lbs for about 2 weeks. Yesterday morning he weighed himself and he was 278lbs. His face, eyes and neck were really puffy and his neck. By the end of the day he weighed 281.6. This morning he weighs 277lbs. He is also complaining about his right arm being really sore, the shoulder mainly. He has complained about it before, but not this much.

I know what you’re probably thinking… “GET HIM CHECKED BY A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!”, right? Well that’s easier said than done. Here’s the frustrating and stressful part for me. This man has been to hell and back since his diagnosis. He doesn’t want to go to the doctor to get it checked and he doesn’t want me to call anyone. He thinks he just ate too much salt. He has a “cancer club” appt this Wed, so he thinks he can wait until then and there is NOTHING I can say or do to convince him otherwise. He’s not is not being an asshole about it either, he just keeps looking at me with a puppy dog face begging me to stop worrying and panicking. So, what can I do? Respect his wishes for now. If it gets worse, I may firmly insist. However, in the meantime, I will just sit tight, quietly worry, vent a little bit and continue to document our journey.

Thanks for stopping by! =)

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